I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Your shirt... Was in my pants
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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