Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
