i may or may not be watching the land before time
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
