Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
