I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
