he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
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I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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