she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
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