he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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