Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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