I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
