Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
