When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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