Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
