I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
FUCK WHALES
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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