I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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