There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
