a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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