I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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