this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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