so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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