My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
