Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
