in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
