she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
