Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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