I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
