Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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