I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
