I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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