i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
