there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Sorry about my life...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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