The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
