Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
