Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
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I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
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If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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