This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
