she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
