not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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