Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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