I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
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I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
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He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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