Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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