so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
