even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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