I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
