I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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