Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I checked into jail on foursquare
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
