Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
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We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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