i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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