you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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