I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
