The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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