Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
