Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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