Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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