the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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